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There's something wonderfully ridiculous about the fact that my mother's whispering drives me absolutely crazy, yet I voluntarily watch videos of another woman whispering because they help me relax and fall asleep.
And here's the best part.
My mother can't stand the whispering in those videos.
She says it gives her a headache.
Oh, the irony.
The woman who has spent my entire life whispering to herself while cooking, cleaning, and doing just about everything imaginable apparently finds someone else's whispering unbearable.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting there enjoying every minute of it.
If that doesn't perfectly illustrate how differently two people can experience the same type of sound, I don't know what does.
The Whispering That Makes Me Want to Scream
My mother has whispered to herself for as long as I can remember. When she's not talking to someone, she's often quietly narrating whatever she's doing or planning to do next.
She whispers while cooking, cleaning, and going about her daily routine. Sometimes she's simply thinking aloud, except instead of keeping those thoughts inside her head, she shares them with the entire household at a volume just loud enough for me to hear.
And believe me, I hear it.
I've always been sensitive to certain sounds, but since menopause, that sensitivity has become considerably worse. I call it sound rage because that's exactly what it feels like.
A barely audible whisper can irritate me more than a television playing at full volume.
I've even tried wearing earplugs underneath noise-canceling headphones. The combination practically eliminates her footsteps, yet somehow her whispering still manages to penetrate my defenses.
It's like my brain has developed a special frequency reserved exclusively for detecting my mother's voice.
Naturally, when I ask her to stop, she doesn't simply stop.
She explains what she's whispering about.
Which means more talking.
Which means more noise.
Which means I'm now listening to an explanation of the very sound I was trying to escape.
And somehow, I'm the nervous one.
Enter Tingting ASMR, My Unexpected Sanctuary
So imagine the contradiction when I discovered that watching Tingting ASMR on YouTube can lull me to sleep faster than almost anything else.
For anyone unfamiliar with ASMR, the initials stand for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. Some people experience pleasant tingling sensations or deep relaxation in response to certain sounds and visual experiences.
Whispering, soft-spoken voices, gentle tapping, and slow, repetitive movements are common features of ASMR videos.
Not everyone experiences the tingles, and not everyone finds these videos relaxing. Some people find the sounds downright irritating.
Apparently, my mother is one of them.
But for me, Tingting's soft voice and calming presentation can be incredibly soothing.
I can put on one of her videos, settle down, and feel myself becoming sleepy surprisingly quickly.
Which raises an obvious question.
How can whispering be one of the most irritating sounds in my everyday life while also being one of the most relaxing sounds I voluntarily listen to?
I've spent some time thinking about that, and I suspect the answer has less to do with whispering itself than with everything surrounding it.
It's Not Just the Sound. It's the Context.
When I watch an ASMR video, I'm choosing to listen.
I know what I'm going to hear. I can adjust the volume. I can select a different video, pause it, or stop listening whenever I want.
Nobody is demanding my attention, interrupting my thoughts, or asking me to respond.
The whispering has a beginning and an end, and I'm in control of both.
My mother's whispering is an entirely different experience.
It happens spontaneously throughout the day. There's no predictable schedule, no volume control, and certainly no pause button.
It also comes with decades of emotional associations.
Her whispering reminds me of years spent asking for quiet, explaining why certain sounds bother me, and getting into arguments because she doesn't understand my reaction.
ASMR doesn't come with any of that baggage.
Tingting isn't asking me repetitive questions or telling me I've been nervous since childhood.
She's simply creating a relaxing experience that I can enjoy without participating in a conversation.
And perhaps that's one of the biggest differences.
One whisper is something I've chosen to hear. The other is something I can't seem to escape.
That doesn't necessarily explain every aspect of my sound sensitivity, but it makes an enormous amount of sense when I consider my own experiences.
My Mother Thinks I'm Being Hypnotized
Now, you might imagine that my mother would appreciate finding out that something as harmless as a YouTube video helps me relax.
You would be mistaken.
She thinks the whispering sounds strange, says it gives her a headache, and seems convinced there's something almost hypnotic about it.
And, naturally, she thinks I'm crazy for wanting to listen.
Yes, the same woman who whispers to herself throughout the day thinks I'm crazy for voluntarily listening to someone whisper.
I couldn't make this stuff up.
The irony is almost too much.
Sometimes I want to ask her whether she realizes she's essentially been providing her own version of ASMR for the past several decades, except without the relaxation, the calming atmosphere, or the option to unsubscribe.
But I already know how that conversation would go.
I'd explain the comparison.
She'd misunderstand it.
I'd explain it again.
She'd tell me why I was wrong.
And by the time we'd finished, I'd need another ASMR video just to recover from discussing the first one.
So I usually spare myself the trouble.
Why I Have to Sneak Around to Watch a Relaxing Video
Here's another ridiculous part of the situation.
I often wait until my mother is washing dishes or taking a shower before I watch ASMR.
Not because there's anything inappropriate about the videos.
Not because I'm hiding some terrible secret.
I'm a grown woman trying to watch a perfectly innocent YouTube video and enjoy a little peace.
But if I put on headphones or earbuds while my mother is around, she becomes suspicious.
What am I listening to? What am I watching? Why do I need headphones? What could possibly be so private?
Apparently, wanting to listen to something without sharing it with the entire household is suspicious behavior.
And it's not limited to headphones.
My mother has a habit of looking over my shoulder at my phone and commenting on whatever I'm doing.
Sometimes I just want to read something, watch a video, or browse the internet without providing a running explanation of my activities.
I don't believe that's an unreasonable expectation for an adult.
But in our household, privacy can become another subject requiring explanation.
And as I've learned, explaining why I don't want to explain something can quickly become another very long conversation.
So I've developed my own little routine.
When my mother is occupied with washing dishes or taking a shower, I take advantage of the opportunity to enjoy my ASMR videos without commentary, questions, or an unsolicited psychological evaluation.
It's almost funny when I think about it.
I don't sneak around to do anything scandalous.
I sneak around to relax.
Some people hide their guilty pleasures. I apparently have to hide my peace and quiet.
Why ASMR Relaxes Some People and Irritates Others
There's actually an interesting psychological distinction behind our completely opposite reactions.
Research suggests that ASMR can be associated with relaxation, pleasant sensations, and changes in emotional and physiological responses for people who experience it.
A 2018 study published in PLOS ONE found that ASMR videos were associated with lower heart rates and increased positive emotional responses among people who experienced ASMR.
That doesn't mean ASMR works for everyone or that it should be considered a treatment for anxiety or sleep difficulties.
But it helps explain why some people genuinely find these videos calming.
Misophonia, on the other hand, involves strong negative reactions to particular sounds, often including irritation, anger, or disgust.
Interestingly, similar categories of sounds can appear in both experiences.
Whispering, breathing, and repetitive mouth noises may be soothing to one person and intensely unpleasant to another.
Researchers are still working to understand why people respond so differently.
The emotional meaning of a sound, its predictability, the circumstances in which it's heard, and a person's previous experiences may all be relevant.
Which brings me back to my mother and me.
For her, the whispering in an ASMR video is irritating.
For me, it's relaxing.
For me, her own whispering is irritating.
For her, it's apparently such a natural part of her daily routine that she doesn't understand why I keep asking her to stop.
We're listening to similar kinds of sounds but having completely different experiences.
And somehow, both of us are convinced the other one's reaction makes no sense.
The Privacy Part Isn't Quite So Funny
As amusing as I find the ASMR contradiction, there's another issue underneath it that bothers me much more.
I shouldn't have to wait until my mother is distracted to enjoy something privately.
I shouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing headphones, defend what I'm watching, or justify my desire to spend a few uninterrupted minutes doing something that helps me relax.
But those expectations have become part of our family dynamic.
My mother has always been extremely involved in what my sister and I are doing. She asks questions, offers opinions, anticipates what we're going to say, and often seems uncomfortable when we want privacy.
I know some of this may come from anxiety or a desire to feel involved in our lives.
But understanding that doesn't mean I enjoy being watched over my shoulder.
There's a difference between sharing your life with your family and feeling obligated to share every little moment of it.
Sometimes I want to tell my mother about something I've discovered online.
Other times I want to watch a video without discussing it with anyone.
Both should be perfectly acceptable.
And when the activity in question is something that helps me manage overwhelming sounds and get some sleep, the constant questioning becomes particularly frustrating.
It's another example of how a person's emotional needs can clash with someone else's desire for independence.
My mother wants to know what I'm doing.
I want to be left alone long enough to do it.
Neither desire automatically makes someone a bad person, but one person's curiosity shouldn't eliminate another person's privacy.
Finding Something That Actually Helps
One thing I've learned from living with sound sensitivity is that relief doesn't always come from the places you'd expect.
I bought earplugs and noise-canceling headphones because I wanted to block out sound.
Yet I've found that deliberately listening to certain sounds can sometimes be far more relaxing than desperately trying to eliminate every noise around me.
That doesn't mean ASMR is a universal solution for misophonia or other forms of sound sensitivity.
Some people can't tolerate ASMR at all, particularly videos featuring mouth sounds, chewing, or certain types of whispering.
Others prefer tapping, soft-spoken instructions, gentle ambient sounds, or videos with no talking whatsoever.
And some people simply don't enjoy ASMR.
The important thing is discovering what works for you rather than assuming everyone should respond to sound the same way.
For me, Tingting's videos have become a welcome escape.
They're predictable, calming, and something I can enjoy entirely on my own terms.
And perhaps that last part is more important than I initially realized.
When so much of my daily environment feels beyond my control, it's comforting to have one small experience where I get to choose exactly what I'm listening to.
No arguments.
No explanations.
No defending my reaction.
Just a little peace.
The Great Whispering Paradox
So here we are.
My mother's whispering drives me crazy.
Tingting's whispering helps me fall asleep.
My mother thinks Tingting's whispering gives her a headache.
And she thinks I'm crazy for enjoying it.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out how we've managed to spend decades living together without discovering a mutually agreeable relationship with silence.
There's probably a psychology article hiding somewhere in all of this.
Actually, there are several.
But sometimes I don't want to analyze everything.
Sometimes I don't want to spend another evening discussing why my mother's habits bother me, why she doesn't understand my reaction, or why I'm apparently suspicious for wearing headphones.
Sometimes I just want to relax.
And if a woman whispering softly on YouTube helps me accomplish that, I'm perfectly happy to let her.
My mother can call it hypnotism.
She can tell me I'm nervous.
She can wonder what secret information I'm receiving through my earbuds.
As long as I can enjoy a few peaceful minutes without another conversation about it, I'm satisfied.
Although I have to admit, there's one question I still can't resist asking myself.
If whispering really does give my mother a headache, is there any chance she might finally understand what I've been telling her all these years?
Probably not.
But a woman can dream.
Preferably while listening to Tingting ASMR.
And preferably without someone asking what she's listening to. 😂🎧
Research and Further Reading
Poerio, G. L., et al. (2018). More Than a Feeling: Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response (ASMR) Is Characterized by Reliable Changes in Affect and Physiology. PLOS ONE.
Swedo, S. E., et al. (2022). Consensus Definition of Misophonia: A Delphi Study. Frontiers in Neuroscience.
